Can I be Waterboarded now Please?

I forgot to post this a little earlier, but it's just as relevant.

Dear Newlywed couple sitting behind me on the plane.

First of all, I would like to congratulate you on your achievement. It must have taken a lot of time, effort, and determination to get where you both are today. Not many people can pull it off quite as well these days, but you two have certainly proved that it can still be done. Marriage? No, I'm talking about your achievement in becoming the two most obnoxious people on the plane. It's a shame that we're so close to Christmas, because Santa/Father Christmas might have to put me on his hit list (for those who are especially naughty) at the last minute.

How do I know you're newlyweds? well first of all I'm suffering from radiation sickness by the way you two are beaming there next to each other. Second of all, the guy sitting next to me told me, and he is an off-duty flight attendant (we'll call him Stewart) who has "seen this kind of bull---- all the time". Third, you are completely oblivious to the fact that there are other human beings in the vicinity who are all giving you dirty looks. Yes yes we all know you're so happy, but that doesn't mean you have to share it with all of us.

So what exactly have you done to earn the ire of myself and everybody around you? Your volume. Not only are you speaking to each other as if you're on opposite sides of the plane, but you are talking about the biggest load of tripe I've ever heard. Do you really think we care to hear about the process of elimination you go through while taking exams? Or your theory on why that hamster you're getting has a big black splotch on its fur? And the laugh, oh good grief the laugh. When I hear Stewart say "Man, I haven't seen people this bad in years", I wonder if I've stumbled into purgatory by accident.

There are however, those brief moments of silence that we have come to appreciate so much. Sometimes I wonder if you decided that you couldn't wait long enough for the flight to end (all 2 hours of it) and just hopped out (we can only hope). Then to my dismay I discover what all that chatter has been replaced with. Now I'll admit, I myself am guilty of public displays of affection in the past (I'm sure you all want to hear that), but do you REALLY have to be on top of her now? Can't you nitwits wait like another 30 minutes?

Oh look, the seat-belt light has lit up. I guess you two have run out of time to earn your rightful place in the Mile High Club, thank heavens. Next time you'll have to do an international flight. In the baggage compartment. For the whole time preferably.

A tortured soul who is feeling somewhat better now.
        -GB